so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
