Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
