dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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