Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
