Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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