I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
