So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
