I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
