My nipple is on Facebook.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
