im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
