I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
