I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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