Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
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