I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
