He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
