Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
