Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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