hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
two words: eviction party
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
