im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
