We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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