I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hippo gnu deer
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
