Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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