I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
