Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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