hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
