walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
