I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
