your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
