does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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