I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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