Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
