Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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