Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Slut skills are useful in every country.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
