It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
