The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
this hospital has no fireball
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
