So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
