Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I believe in your delicious
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
