I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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