Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
this is an emotional support booty call
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
