# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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