Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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