You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
