Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
