Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
not ubering you a puppy
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
