It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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