I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
