So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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