A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
