I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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