If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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