I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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